2/2/14 SELF-DENIAL: THE KEY TO HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS

SELF-DENIAL:

 THE KEY TO HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS

 

LOVE AND RESPECT

 

 

 

Ephesians 5:22-33

Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body.  24 But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything. 25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, 26 so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless. 28 So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; 29 for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church, 30 because we are members of His body. 31 For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and shall be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. 32   This mystery is great; but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church. 33 Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband.

 

1 Peter 3:1-2

In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives, 2 as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior. NASB

 

1 Peter 3:7

⁷ Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.

 

Ephesians 5:25

Husbands love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her.

 

 

ÿ     A husband is to obey the command to love even if his wife does not obey the command to respect, and a wife is to obey the command to respect even if the husband does not obey the command to love.

 

ÿ     A husband is called to love a disrespectful wife, and a wife is called to respect an unloving husband.

 

ÿ     We cannot say “I will love my wife when she respects me” – or “I will respect my husband after he loves me.”

 

ÿ     Men must show agape love  -  Women are to show unconditional respect.

 

ÿ     You cannot motivate your spouse to give you what you need by withholding what they really need.

 

ÿ     Who should go first? – The one who sees themselves as the most mature.

 

 

 

 

TOGETHERNESS (Wife) – She wants face-to-face involvement.

 

Suggestions:

·       Come in the kitchen and help her with dinner

·       Spend time __________________to her about her day

·       Not to become like one of her girlfriends and become feminine

·       Hold her hand

·       Hug her

·       _______________________ without sex

·       Get alone so you can focus and laugh

·       Go for a walk

·       Date night by candlelight

·       Go out of your way to do something for her (errand etc.)

·       Pay ____________________to her mind and opinions – let her know you appreciate

·       Pillow talk after making love

 

ACCOMPLISH (Husband) - Appreciate his desire to work and achieve

       

Suggestions:  

·       Tell him verbally or in writing that you value his desire to work and achieve

·       Express your faith in him related to his chosen field

·       Listen to his work stories as closely as you expect him to listen to what happens in the family

·       See yourself as his helpmate and counterpart and talk with him about this whenever possible

·       Allow him to dream as you did when you were courting

·       Don’t dishonor or criticize his work to get him to show more love at home

 

 

___________________________

 

Suggestions:

·       Communicate to her about your ____________________

·       Let her in

·       When you talk ask her, what she thinks and what she is feeling

·       Pray with her

·       Share your day with her or “something happened at work today – “I would like to talk to you about it later – I am not mad at you, etc.”

 

 

PROTECTOR – Appreciate His Desire to Protect and Provide

 

Suggestions:

·       Verbalize your admiration for him for being willing to protect you and die for you

·       Praise him for his __________________ to provide and protect so he knows you don’t take him for granted

·       Never mock the idea of “looking up to him” as your protector, preventing him from looking down on you

·       Never in word or body language ________   ___________ his job or how much he makes

·       Quietly and respectfully voice concerns about finances and try to offer solutions where you are able to cut spending

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

UNDERSTOOD – 1Peter 3:7 – Don’t Try To Fix Just Listen

 

Suggestions:

·       When she wants to talk ask her – do you want me to listen or need a solution?

·       Listen and repeat back what she has said

·       Don’t try to fix her problems unless she specifically asks for a solution

·       Never dismiss her feelings no matter how illogical they seem

·       Say, “I appreciate you sharing that with me.”

·       Don’t interrupt her when she is trying to tell you how she feels

·       Apologize and admit you were wrong

·       Express appreciation for all that she does

·       Pray with her and for her

 

Beware of becoming embittered Col. 3:19

 

 

_______________________  – Appreciate his desire to serve and lead

 

Suggestions:

·       Tell him you are thankful for his strength and enjoy being able to lean on him at all times

·       Support his self-image as a leader

·       Never say – “We are equal so don’t make any decision I don’t agree with.”

·       Praise him for His good decisions

·       Be graceful if he makes a bad decision

·       Disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids

·       Give your reasons for disagreeing with him quietly and respectfully and reasonably, but never attack his right to lead

·       Don’t play head games with him to make him back down and be a loving peacemaker

 

 

PEACE - She wants you to say “I’m sorry.”

 

Suggestions:

·       Use loving Demeanor (Prov. 15:1)

·       ________________ your part of the blame instead of blaming her.  (James 5:16)

·       Let her vent her frustrations and hurts – don’ get angry or close her off

·       When wrong say “I am sorry. Will you forgive me?”

·       Resolve the unresolved – never say “Forget it.”

·       Forgive her for any wrong she confesses

·       Don’t nurse _____________________ and always reassure her of your love

 

 

INSIGHT - Appreciate his desire to analyze and counsel

 

Suggestions:

·       Tell him up front you need his ear – Don’t complain to him later that he always tries to fix you

·       Thank him for His advice without acting insulted or like he doesn’t care about your feelings

·       Recognize his problem solving approach and his male brand of empathy

·       Realize your vulnerabilities especially among males, and value his protection

·       Counsel him respectfully when you differ with his ideas (you can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice)

·       Sometimes let him fix things and applaud him for his solutions

·       Admit that you need him because you can make mistakes and thank him for his godly protection

 

 

___________________________   – She needs to know you’re committed.

 

Suggestions:

·       __________    ______________ of her in front of others

·       Be involved in things important to her

·       Help her make decisions (such as regarding children, etc)

·       Don’t correct her in front of the children

·       Don’t look lustfully at other women

·       Make her and your marriage a priority

·       Don’t criticize her in front of others

·       Include her in social gatherings when others may leave their wife at home

·       Don’t allow the kids to speak to her any kind of way

·       Call and let her know your plans

·       Keep your commitments

·       Speak positively to her at all times

 

SEX – Appreciate his desire for sexual intimacy.

 

Suggestions:

·       Respond to him sexually more often and initiate sex periodically

·       Understand he needs sex just as you need emotional release

·       Let him acknowledge his sexual temptations without shaming him or feeling he will be unfaithful to you

·       Don’t deprive him of sex to try to make him open up to you verbally

 

 

 

ESTEEM – She needs you to honor and cherish her.

 

Suggestions:

·       How to answer when you don’t agree with her and keep her esteem intact:

-        “Honey, thanks for sharing your opinion.”

-        “Let’s think about that.”  (she knows you are processing)

-        “Honey, even though I don’t feel the same way about this as you   do, I value your opinion and I trust your heart.”

·       Thank her for all that she does

·       Cherish her for who she is

·       Open the door for her

·       Try something new with her

·       Give her encouragement and praise with kindness and enthusiasm

·       Notice something different about her hair and clothes

·       Be physically affectionate with her in public

·       Choose family outings over “guy things”

·       Be proud of her for all she does

 

 

____________________ – Appreciate his desire for shoulder to shoulder friendship.

 

Suggestions:

·       Tell him you like him and show it (He knows you love him but he often wonders if you like him)

·       Respond to his invitation to engage in recreational activities together (Every now and then… not all of the time)